Patient? Responsible? Me?!

As a mother of five healthy, active, social children, I often hear the question, "how do you DO it, Michelle!?" I assume they are mostly impressed with the fact that all five children still have all their limbs. But really, that's not much of an accomplishment, even with the least bit of neglect on my part. Almost anyone can raise children with all extremities intact.

I believe the general impression people have of me is that I'm an abnormally patient mother. Oh? I say looks can be deceiving, and here is a sad, but true illustration of how people may just see what they want to see. And who am I to correct them!?

As so many of my stories begin, I was pregnant when... I was traveling with my four children along Route 20 through Central New York. We had spent several days visiting our Cazenovia friends, and were headed to the suburbs of Albany to visit the Levasalmi family before heading back home to Maine. I had heaped bins and bags in the front seat for easy access to snacks, diapers, books, movies, and various other tranquilizers. We had been on the road for well over an hour, and the kids were in no mood for restraint.

I do not have pleasant memories of the ride thus far. Simply put, I was in a foul mood myself... a real force to be reckoned with. I had pulled over at one point, and released a stream of unpleasantries in the direction of the back seats, forcefully explaining why children should just sit quietly and get along while mothers drove stupid minivans down the highway ("stupid" is a swearword in our home... they knew I was really mad when I let that one fly!). I pulled back into traffic (it's a rural highway... there may have been three other cars around), ignoring the stifled giggles and dramatic eye-rolling behind me.

In no time at all, I passed a state trooper traveling north as I sped south. I briefly debated the option of pulling onto a side road and covering the van with branches, in a Hazzard County style evasion technique. Quick math told me I'd lose valuable time (I hoped to get to Albany before lunch), so I kept up the harried pace. You've already guessed he tracked me down and pulled me over.

"You have to admit 72 in a 55 is pretty fast. I'm going to have to ticket you."

The insurance card in my visor was not current. I couldn't get to my vehicle registration - it was stuck in the glove compartment, which was blocked by the bins, remember? No matter, he could look that up. I pulled out my old New York license - expired. Inspection - 28ish days overdue (did he really care? that's a MAINE inspection, for crying out loud). He took what pitiful proof I provided back to his cruiser... I spent the time lecturing the children on proper criminal etiquette.

The officer was shaking his head when he returned to my window. "This New York license?... suspended for an unpaid speeding ticket from four years ago. That means your right to drive in this state has been revoked." Unbelievable. Including speeding, there were five infractions total... three misdemeanors, and two felonies. "By law, I'm supposed to cuff you and take you downtown for just one felony charge."

"But," he added, as he leaned into the van and looked back at all the kids (no doubt wondering how he'd legally get the kids all downtown, too), "you seem like a responsible person... so I'm just going to give you three tickets." Then he warned me to continue driving (at the speed limit) until I got out of the state, and to update my insurance card and take care of the expired registration, the overdue inspection, the suspended license and the unpaid speeding tickets. I smiled and nodded.

The Levasalmis and I had a good chuckle over the story at breakfast the next morning.

Responsible? I admit the children were all properly seated and buckled (for once!), but don't ever confuse fertility with responsibility, sir! Patient? I'm probably just ignoring them half the time! Never confuse lazy neglect for patience, folks.