God is in this.

The following letter came about when a friend from church emailed me to 'check in,' making sure to tell me she wasn't expecting a response. I intended to send off a quick response, but as I typed I realized it was much more than I expected. I decided to send it to several close friends, and as a result of their feedback, sent along to other friends and saved it my archives to post on the blog I hoped to start eventually.

I've also attached a photo of pregnant me with some comforting and inspirational words. Thank you for your participation in my healing process, which continues to this day.


Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 [two months after losing the baby]

What a long, strange trip this has been. But God is good, and here is how I know. From the moment Scott and I heard from the doctor that there as no heartbeat, we agreed that this was going to be part of our living testimony... used for God in ways we could only imagine. We have already been blessed to see God working through us in people we know and love, in ways we hadn't thought possible.

One example involves my dad. After we found out there was no fetal heartbeat, we went right to the hospital to be induced, and our families joined us for the long wait until delivery. It turned out to be a great thing, as we got to spend time with each family member, and I'll cherish the intimate moments we shared. When I had a chance to sit with my father, we discussed our shared belief that this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world, and he talked about how she had been 'recalled.' Later, he actually said something to the effect that there was something 'bigger than us... God, or whatever... that wanted this baby with Him.' I almost laughed out loud (for a couple reasons) because that's the first time I'd ever heard him voluntarily speak of God... but also because he was so sure he didn't want to really commit to the theory of God, so he was quick to add the 'or whatever' part. Anyway, I was encouraged, and continue to be.

Our prayer from the beginning of all this was that we could be true and honest testimonies, not just giving fake and forced smiles and saying 'praise God!' all the time, since our unsaved and skeptical family members and friends would see right through that. Well, be careful what you ask for, because, boy howdy!, does God answer prayer! He has shown me firsthand how difficult and complicated the process of grieving is... even though we fully believe Phoebe is in a much better place, and we know we will get through this only with God's strength, still He takes me through the process step by step, and the pain and confusion I endure is fully obvious to those close to me. My constant prayer is that I will remember to lean on Him, and to let others know that's the only way I'm getting through this successfully.

All in all, we are doing quite well, considering the circumstance. It has been a learning, growing time for us, and as always, growth comes with plenty of growing pain. But this, too, will be used for the glory of God, and He clearly uses the necessary means to draw us closer to Him.

We are open and honest about our loss, even when dealing with the kids. They each have their own understanding of the situation, and have dealt with the loss their own way. Of course, kids move on much quicker, in general, but from time to time we still talk about what happened, and what that means to us (I imagine this will continue for the rest of our lives). What I love about kids is how honest they are about it, and how they have no filter... there's no awkward moment of trying to figure out how to ask a question or make a comment without wondering if it's going to hurt my feelings or if it's the right thing to say.

Throughout all of this, we have been amazingly aware of the prayer support from our family in Christ. I was recently talking with my mother-in-law about how people just don't know what to do or say around me, and how frequently people will say, "I wish I could do something, but all I can do is pray for you." She and I laugh about that because essentially people are saying "I want to fix this situation for you, but since I can't do that all I can do is speak directly to the Creator of the universe who lovingly made you and knows your every thought and provides for your every need... all I can do is go to Him on your behalf and ask for His inevitible, supernatural, divine intervention... sorry, that's all I can do.' Hello People!... how much better does it get than that?!? I have been keenly aware of the days and times when God's people are crying out to God, my Savior, to provide me the necessary strength, courage, grace, humility and will to get through this.

I have discovered about myself that sometimes strength means letting down my guard and having a good cry. The 'experts' on grieving tell me I will go through a phase of anger, but I haven't seen it yet. I'm not sure who or what I'm supposed to be mad at or about. Disappointed, yes, and a whole array of other emotions, but a distinct lack of anger. It's not that I doubt the experts, because I realize the process of grieving involves certain phases, but I have to wonder if this is the grace I prayed for many months ago before I ever knew what the prayer meant. Is it the faith in Christ that sustains me, and keeps any anger from presenting itself? Whatever it is, I rest easy in the understanding that God knows, and God is good.

Thank you for your prayers and for letting me know I am still in your thoughts. God is hearing and answering... He is so good.

I love you,
Michelle

P.S. You may want to share this letter with others, and I encourage you to do so... I can't (and won't) contact everyone who might be glad to have some news from us.

One of these days, I'll have to attempt to type up that whole bizarre dream... nobody would believe I had actually had the dream before the actual experience, except that I shared it with several people before we found out about our loss.

Very long & outdated update

I've saved this letter in my archives since January, 2008. My friend, Erika, living in Arizona, had not heard the news of my life for at least that entire year (more, actually), so this sums up 2007. As it does such a good job of telling the story and describing important events, I will reprint it here, mostly in its entirety. The subject reads "Better sit down".

OK,

If it's OK with you, I'll catch you up via email. I wouldn't say it's the BEST way to get it done, except that it is an absolute, and that's a very good way... better than not getting anything done, which has been my way for the past year or so.

And what a year it has been.

As you know, we bought property, and eventually re-vamped the building into a coffee shop. We finally hung the "Open" flag last January(ish) [2007], and were figuring things out as we went along. Scott worked in Auburn at the time, and opened the shop before leaving for work. I'd meet him at the shop with the kids (they could catch the school bus there), and spend my day there. We did hire my cousin, Seth (a 19 year old college student who lives at home) to work days for us, as it wasn't really working out with the two little girls following me all around the place, wanting every treat they saw in the case. I managed to cut back my time there considerably, and it ended up that Seth was the only one in the business making money (and that was just barely a profit for him).

Scott decided to go back to Irving in Portsmouth (decision made in February, I believe, for a May move), and we found out we were pregnant in February, as well. It was a little bit of a shocker for us, as it had been over a year that we had been trying (unusual for us), so we started thinking maybe five would be our limit. Well, with the pregnancy illness and Scott's move, we looked at our list of priorities, and the shop came out way at the bottom. There was no way we could dedicate any serious time to get it running right, so we simply closed shop to reevaluate. I was sick for a loooooooong time, and it was no surprise that I got big early.

In July, I helped my sister plan and organize her wedding (we hosted the rehearsal dinner and reception at our house), which took place August 4th. It was a miserable time for me, being so huge and hot, and on my feet all the time to get her ready. I was frustrated she wasn't inviting (my) kids to the wedding, though she DID want Sophie in the ceremony, but it was her wedding, and the bride should get what she wants. I ended up having to hire a babysitter to stay home with Sam and Molly(who also ended up setting up the tent for the reception), then I had to drive to Popham with my parents and Sonja and Sophie (we were all in the wedding), while Lilly and Kate rode the rented bus to watch the ceremony (OK, I got my way a little bit). It was a fiasco, to say the least. Anyway, at the end of the day, she was married, and I was exhausted.

[Kids update here... edited to fit the time constraints.]

Scott has enjoyed working at Irving again, though the commute is a killer, as usual. He actually has a one-year contract with them, and is trying to figure out what to do next. We keep tossing around the idea of moving closer to Irving if that's where he truly wants to stay. It's such a bad job market locally... we may have to move one way or another, either to keep the salary or keep close to work. Time will tell, and as usual, we're not really nervous about any of it.

Sometime over the summer, Sean and Adrienne found out they were pregnant, just as she was switching jobs so she would qualify for fertility treatments. I think she found out the same week she found out her mother had cancer in her ovaries and uterus. Both are still going strong... we credit the pregnancy for giving her mother something to live for. She is due the end of this month, and is enjoying a sense of relief and hope (I think you know they lost a baby in the first trimester around the time I was pregnant with Molly).

Around the end of September, I finally started feeling less miserable with the pregnancy. The weight gain slowed down considerably, and the constant nauseau practically went away. I got a lot of energy, and started nesting big time. After four weeks of feeling really good (more like a usual pregnancy for me), I started getting tired again, knowing full well I'd go at least one week over the due date. People were so surprised to see the due date come and go (of course, Scott and I were pretty much planning on a late date... the only kid to be born early was Lilly). The baby was due October 1, so on Tuesday, October 2 I had a routine check and everything was fine... though even the doc's office was surprised that I would carry baby number six past the date.

By that Saturday, I had decided it was going to have to be soon, as I was getting exhausted again. Saturday night we went out, saw some friends, had a good time. Sunday we skipped church, mowed the lawn, ran kids around to various friends' houses. That next Tuesday I had two appointments scheduled... an ultrasound to check the size and movements of the baby, then a follow-up with the doc's office. In another letter completely, I will tell you the dream I had early Tuesday morning, but to sum it up, I dreamt I was at the doc's office, and they wouldn't show me the heartbeat.

My sister drove me to my first appointment, and I told her the bizarre dream on the way there. She got very upset. We arrived at the place, and tried to comfort each other and be realistic. Got through the appointment, but the tech told me the docs wanted to see me right away. We rushed over, figuring if it was a true emergency, they'd have sent an ambulance for me... I kept thinking I was going to be rushed in for an emergency c-section. Long, long story short, a doctor new to the practice had to come into the room, introduce himself and tell me he had some bad news. Some very bad news. I thought he was joking. He wasn't... they had not been able to detect a heartbeat.

He did a confirming ultrasound there in his office. We called Scott and my parents who all rushed to the hospital. There was nothing to do but deliver the baby. I got the epidural, and they induced labor. It took about twelve hours before she was born. I must admit this was the most surreal experience of my life. Even as I type, I have to stop and think about the events as though it were some strange and sad movie. I certainly didn't want my first correspondence with you in years to be about this, but it is what it is.

We are working through the grieving process, all at our own pace. I'll send you a letter I sent out to friends of mine... Most people don't know what happened, exactly, and many people are unsure of how to ask about it... or whether even to ask. Simply put, there were blood clots in the umbilical cord, keeping nutrients from the baby. When I consider the whole pregnancy, I realize this baby was not meant to be in this world, no matter what I thought or planned. God has a plan we don't fully understand, but He carries us though this, and we are learning so much in the process. It has been painful and sad and disappointing, but we continue to be amazed at the support network available to us, and we are so grateful for it.

So, you can understand I saved the most difficult news for last, and now I'm a bit worn out. I do have more to say about it, and I don't feel fully caught up, but that's a fairly accurate update of my life over the past year. Overall, we are doing well, and our family grows stronger with each new day. Once I hear back from you, I'll send the other letter I mentioned. It has a pretty good photo attached, which I know you'll fully appreciate.

[Personal closing comments omitted.]

Love,
Mi

The next blog entry will be the letter I mentioned with the photo of preggo me. This letter had the following photo attached.