God is in this.

The following letter came about when a friend from church emailed me to 'check in,' making sure to tell me she wasn't expecting a response. I intended to send off a quick response, but as I typed I realized it was much more than I expected. I decided to send it to several close friends, and as a result of their feedback, sent along to other friends and saved it my archives to post on the blog I hoped to start eventually.

I've also attached a photo of pregnant me with some comforting and inspirational words. Thank you for your participation in my healing process, which continues to this day.


Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 [two months after losing the baby]

What a long, strange trip this has been. But God is good, and here is how I know. From the moment Scott and I heard from the doctor that there as no heartbeat, we agreed that this was going to be part of our living testimony... used for God in ways we could only imagine. We have already been blessed to see God working through us in people we know and love, in ways we hadn't thought possible.

One example involves my dad. After we found out there was no fetal heartbeat, we went right to the hospital to be induced, and our families joined us for the long wait until delivery. It turned out to be a great thing, as we got to spend time with each family member, and I'll cherish the intimate moments we shared. When I had a chance to sit with my father, we discussed our shared belief that this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world, and he talked about how she had been 'recalled.' Later, he actually said something to the effect that there was something 'bigger than us... God, or whatever... that wanted this baby with Him.' I almost laughed out loud (for a couple reasons) because that's the first time I'd ever heard him voluntarily speak of God... but also because he was so sure he didn't want to really commit to the theory of God, so he was quick to add the 'or whatever' part. Anyway, I was encouraged, and continue to be.

Our prayer from the beginning of all this was that we could be true and honest testimonies, not just giving fake and forced smiles and saying 'praise God!' all the time, since our unsaved and skeptical family members and friends would see right through that. Well, be careful what you ask for, because, boy howdy!, does God answer prayer! He has shown me firsthand how difficult and complicated the process of grieving is... even though we fully believe Phoebe is in a much better place, and we know we will get through this only with God's strength, still He takes me through the process step by step, and the pain and confusion I endure is fully obvious to those close to me. My constant prayer is that I will remember to lean on Him, and to let others know that's the only way I'm getting through this successfully.

All in all, we are doing quite well, considering the circumstance. It has been a learning, growing time for us, and as always, growth comes with plenty of growing pain. But this, too, will be used for the glory of God, and He clearly uses the necessary means to draw us closer to Him.

We are open and honest about our loss, even when dealing with the kids. They each have their own understanding of the situation, and have dealt with the loss their own way. Of course, kids move on much quicker, in general, but from time to time we still talk about what happened, and what that means to us (I imagine this will continue for the rest of our lives). What I love about kids is how honest they are about it, and how they have no filter... there's no awkward moment of trying to figure out how to ask a question or make a comment without wondering if it's going to hurt my feelings or if it's the right thing to say.

Throughout all of this, we have been amazingly aware of the prayer support from our family in Christ. I was recently talking with my mother-in-law about how people just don't know what to do or say around me, and how frequently people will say, "I wish I could do something, but all I can do is pray for you." She and I laugh about that because essentially people are saying "I want to fix this situation for you, but since I can't do that all I can do is speak directly to the Creator of the universe who lovingly made you and knows your every thought and provides for your every need... all I can do is go to Him on your behalf and ask for His inevitible, supernatural, divine intervention... sorry, that's all I can do.' Hello People!... how much better does it get than that?!? I have been keenly aware of the days and times when God's people are crying out to God, my Savior, to provide me the necessary strength, courage, grace, humility and will to get through this.

I have discovered about myself that sometimes strength means letting down my guard and having a good cry. The 'experts' on grieving tell me I will go through a phase of anger, but I haven't seen it yet. I'm not sure who or what I'm supposed to be mad at or about. Disappointed, yes, and a whole array of other emotions, but a distinct lack of anger. It's not that I doubt the experts, because I realize the process of grieving involves certain phases, but I have to wonder if this is the grace I prayed for many months ago before I ever knew what the prayer meant. Is it the faith in Christ that sustains me, and keeps any anger from presenting itself? Whatever it is, I rest easy in the understanding that God knows, and God is good.

Thank you for your prayers and for letting me know I am still in your thoughts. God is hearing and answering... He is so good.

I love you,
Michelle

P.S. You may want to share this letter with others, and I encourage you to do so... I can't (and won't) contact everyone who might be glad to have some news from us.

One of these days, I'll have to attempt to type up that whole bizarre dream... nobody would believe I had actually had the dream before the actual experience, except that I shared it with several people before we found out about our loss.