Change is good, right?
In February, I decided to try a new approach to eating. I eliminated meat, dairy, sugar, caffeine, artificial anything, and restricted my intake to vegetables, fruits, nuts, grains, whole grain pasta, brown rice and water (only) to drink. For 21 days I stuck to this plan, with some pretty significant results.
My good friend, Tina, mentioned the Daniel Fast to me, which I looked up online. It's a cleansing fast that can be done for dietary purpose, or spiritual purpose, or a combination of both. After some research, I decided not to choose... but just to let the fast be what it would be. I began the process with a 24 hour full fast, taking in only water as I prayed about the journey I was about to take. In that first 24 hours, I decided after that, any food would be good food... even nuts and raisins.
I did not keep a running log of my fast, since in my mind, a fast is personal... not something one tracks in a blog (and heaven forbid I keep a private journal!). That said, I learned it is very difficult to completely change up your eating habits without one or two (or seven or ten) people noticing and inquiring. I explained it to my kids, to my husband, to my mother-in-law... to anyone who asked, really.
The first two or three nights I dreamt about eating restricted foods. I remember the second or third night I dreamt I had just polished off a big turkey sandwich. Yikes! Meat, bread, mayonnaise... all forbidden! Even in the dreams, I knew I would just have to pick up where I was and continue from there... mistakes were bound to happen! By the fourth or fifth day I was so obsessed with a desire for dark chocolate, I didn't know how I'd survive without it! On Scott's birthday (about a week into the fast), I made corned beef and cabbage, and for his party that weekend, we made pasta and a meat dish, and a cake and frosting (from scratch!)... all without me tasting a bit of it!
Oh, I lied. I was cleaning the spatula after the cake batter was done mixing, and I put two fingerfuls into my mouth before I realized what I was doing. I caught myself on the third lick, and rubbed it off my tongue into the trash. Ironically, I had a taste of chocolate without even knowing it... it was not all I had imagined it would be, and as is usually the case, I really didn't even taste it. OK, so I fell off the wagon, but I learned a good lesson (in front of the kids, of course) and jumped right back on that no-chocolate wagon right away without regret.
I guess it's been a full week since my last day. I am still following the regimen pretty closely, but I am not afraid to sample a little of what appeals to me from time to time. However, every time I do turn from the strict plan (read that: every time I eat meat and even a little bit of sugar), I get a headache! The first time I thought I was about due a headache, anyway. The second time I chalked it up to seasonal allergies. The third and fourth time I had to ask myself if this was mere coincidence. Today I went shopping for a wider range of food options.
Some observations I have made:
- I can still have bad eating habits with good food. Bad food, good food... still a bad habit.
- I can survive three weeks without any chocolate.
- I can be so happy with a small square of quality dark chocolate.
- It is not possible for me to drink too much water... I can hardly keep up the minimum recommendation for just a day!
- When the scales are absent from the bathroom, I lost more weight.
- When they see me eating good stuff, it's all the kids want to eat!
- After just two weeks, my body felt different... in a way that I'm having a hard time finding words to describe. Less physically exhausted, less worn out, more solid, more right.
- If I decide to indulge in meat or sugar (or both), I wake up the next day more groggy, less energetic, feeling like I need more sleep.
This fast takes careful planning before beginning. I had to shop very specifically, and like never before. I've read more labels, and thereby discovered more sugar in places I never would have suspected (canned peas!). I really look forward to the produce section of the grocery store, and I know this stuff won't go bad in my fridge... it's practically all I eat!
I don't pretend we haven't heard or read all this stuff before, but I wanted to put it in black and white so I can look back at how good it feels to, well, to feel good. I don't doubt I will change up my eating plan, but I wanted evidence for myself... future reference.
Though I'm looking out the window at the snow falling as I type, I'm pretty certain Spring is here. It's a good time to add a little exercise to my regular routine... I think I can handle a little more change.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Tree Limb Dream
Last week I had a dream that it was time to go prune the apple trees out back. In fact, winter is a good time to prune fruit trees because, well, as far as I know, because there are no leaves or fruits to get in the way, and you can better see where the excess branches are that need to be pruned. OK, so in the dream, I intended to prune the apple trees, but ended up at the tree behind my parents house (which, also in fact, they do plan on chopping down, I believe).
Here I was, girl-size chainsaw in hand, recalling the advice to chop off any branch which didn't have fruit on it still. You know how in winter, some apple trees still have apples clinging to their branches? Dead and rotten apples, admittedly, but existing fruit, nonetheless. This was the case in the dream. I looked up into the bare tree and saw an occasional apple, then started cutting away at the branches that had no fruit. I kept cutting and cutting, surprised at how many branches were not fruit-bearing.
At one point, I decided to cut closer to the trunk, and when I did, I discovered a little nest of strange bugs. I knew these bugs would be the ruin of the tree because they were right at the heart of it. I also knew I had to cut them out as well. I started that process, quickly discovering the "Queen"... a bug so large it had wrapped its mouth and body around a soda can, which was being digested by the bug - whole, and unopened. I started hacking that thing in half, and into pieces, and swiping at the other little bugs, getting them all out of the nest, into the snow.
Even as I was having the dream, I was aware of the necessity of eliminating the fruitless endeavors in life, of getting rid of the excess "sucker" branches that sap the core. If the suckers are allowed to thrive, they will drain the tree of the life-giving nutrients... the stuff needed to make the fruit as strong and big as possible. When we cut away the suckers, the tree concentrates its efforts on growing the fruit.
As I reflect in waking life, I see several obvious connections: the tree represents me, the branches represent my efforts in this life, the fruit represents what I have to show as a result of my efforts. The pruning is a need to cut away the excess which is a result of the labor I have done in vain, producing nothing beneficial. Indeed, I have become more aware of this in my life, so it is no surprise I would be mulling this stuff over in my head... thoughts which have led to dreams as I attempt to make sense of my life.
What did come as a surprise, though, was those nasty bugs at the heart of the matter. If I had not been working to eliminate what I recognized as a problem (what I thought to be the only problem, those fruitless, life-sucking branches), I would not have discovered the real, core issue. While the useless branches would not have hurt the tree, the bugs eventually would have killed it from the inside out.
Here I was, girl-size chainsaw in hand, recalling the advice to chop off any branch which didn't have fruit on it still. You know how in winter, some apple trees still have apples clinging to their branches? Dead and rotten apples, admittedly, but existing fruit, nonetheless. This was the case in the dream. I looked up into the bare tree and saw an occasional apple, then started cutting away at the branches that had no fruit. I kept cutting and cutting, surprised at how many branches were not fruit-bearing.
At one point, I decided to cut closer to the trunk, and when I did, I discovered a little nest of strange bugs. I knew these bugs would be the ruin of the tree because they were right at the heart of it. I also knew I had to cut them out as well. I started that process, quickly discovering the "Queen"... a bug so large it had wrapped its mouth and body around a soda can, which was being digested by the bug - whole, and unopened. I started hacking that thing in half, and into pieces, and swiping at the other little bugs, getting them all out of the nest, into the snow.
Even as I was having the dream, I was aware of the necessity of eliminating the fruitless endeavors in life, of getting rid of the excess "sucker" branches that sap the core. If the suckers are allowed to thrive, they will drain the tree of the life-giving nutrients... the stuff needed to make the fruit as strong and big as possible. When we cut away the suckers, the tree concentrates its efforts on growing the fruit.
As I reflect in waking life, I see several obvious connections: the tree represents me, the branches represent my efforts in this life, the fruit represents what I have to show as a result of my efforts. The pruning is a need to cut away the excess which is a result of the labor I have done in vain, producing nothing beneficial. Indeed, I have become more aware of this in my life, so it is no surprise I would be mulling this stuff over in my head... thoughts which have led to dreams as I attempt to make sense of my life.
What did come as a surprise, though, was those nasty bugs at the heart of the matter. If I had not been working to eliminate what I recognized as a problem (what I thought to be the only problem, those fruitless, life-sucking branches), I would not have discovered the real, core issue. While the useless branches would not have hurt the tree, the bugs eventually would have killed it from the inside out.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Autumn Overview ... Now that winter's here...
Certain of my regular followers have requested a Bourget Family update from me, and it looks like today's the day.
Kate, Sam and Molly played soccer. I took them to most of their practices, but somehow managed only to see about three games total, all season! I'm not winning any Mother of the Year awards for this behavior!
Lilly did not play a sport. I don't recall what she did do, but I'm sure she was quite busy. Currently, she is on the JV Cheering squad. Go Vikes!
Sophie is home with me, getting smarter by the minute, and quite possibly cuter by the day. She has started reading, and writes letters to her grandparents (all the way in Buckfield) regularly.
Kate is trying the homeschool scene. We've signed her up for the A Beka program. No, she does not love it. Yes, this will be her last year homeschooling.
Scott still works in Portsmouth, NH; I still work in the house trying to make sense of the organizing process.
Our SIXTH Annual Cider on the Hill was the biggest and best yet. Over the course of two days we squeezed 153 gallons of cider. We've given most of it away, but for the first time ever, we have more than eight gallons for ourselves.
In general, we are happy, healthy and eager for the Christmas season. Last Friday we enjoyed 67 degree weather. By Sunday we had our first sticking snow. Winter is here, and a blizzard is on its way (depending on who you ask... there are several conflicting reports). It's not even Wednesday yet! The tree is up, the decorations half-done (though that may be the extent of it this year), the lists mostly made... we'll send letters to Santa soon, and hopefully get to see at least one Christmas cantata somewhere.
I've recently spent some time rereading several past blog entries. I seem to be a bit entertaining as a writer! I amuse even myself. =) There is a lot of me saying "more about that later...", so now I've got to go back and read everything and get those other stories done. And don't think I've forgotten I was supposed to give a detailed blog about each of my children... as yet I've only included the top two (er, I mean... the eldest two). I've been looking to Sam for inspiration, and I think some ideas are beginning to form. More on that later.
Kate, Sam and Molly played soccer. I took them to most of their practices, but somehow managed only to see about three games total, all season! I'm not winning any Mother of the Year awards for this behavior!
Lilly did not play a sport. I don't recall what she did do, but I'm sure she was quite busy. Currently, she is on the JV Cheering squad. Go Vikes!
Sophie is home with me, getting smarter by the minute, and quite possibly cuter by the day. She has started reading, and writes letters to her grandparents (all the way in Buckfield) regularly.
Kate is trying the homeschool scene. We've signed her up for the A Beka program. No, she does not love it. Yes, this will be her last year homeschooling.
Scott still works in Portsmouth, NH; I still work in the house trying to make sense of the organizing process.
Our SIXTH Annual Cider on the Hill was the biggest and best yet. Over the course of two days we squeezed 153 gallons of cider. We've given most of it away, but for the first time ever, we have more than eight gallons for ourselves.
In general, we are happy, healthy and eager for the Christmas season. Last Friday we enjoyed 67 degree weather. By Sunday we had our first sticking snow. Winter is here, and a blizzard is on its way (depending on who you ask... there are several conflicting reports). It's not even Wednesday yet! The tree is up, the decorations half-done (though that may be the extent of it this year), the lists mostly made... we'll send letters to Santa soon, and hopefully get to see at least one Christmas cantata somewhere.
I've recently spent some time rereading several past blog entries. I seem to be a bit entertaining as a writer! I amuse even myself. =) There is a lot of me saying "more about that later...", so now I've got to go back and read everything and get those other stories done. And don't think I've forgotten I was supposed to give a detailed blog about each of my children... as yet I've only included the top two (er, I mean... the eldest two). I've been looking to Sam for inspiration, and I think some ideas are beginning to form. More on that later.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Greetings form Ecuador
Hola, Mis Amgos!
Here it Monday, and I am getting my first chance to give an official update from Guayaquil, Ecuador. We have finished our breakfast here at Casa Alianza, and we are trying to put our photos onto the computer (well, I am, anyway.. Mimi and Lilly are trying to unfreeze Lilly´s new iTouch... Mimi is having some difficulty accepting directions from the girls, who are having equal difficulty watching her do it her own way) (tee hee). I´ll keep out of it, and just sit over here journaling and getting in my required thirty minutes of journaling time for today.
Since I didn´t start the journal at the beginning, I will just start from here and work my way back, and then I will try to keep up with it henceforth.
Yesterday we traveled by car (six people in a sub-compact car, seatbelts optional), about 120 km to the beach at Salinas. It was a good time, though the ride was long and cramped (though we had fewer people than they would have normally taken for such a trip, I believe). The coast was cooler than here, and the sun didn´t show its face at all. The locals were very cold, and most of them wished they had brought long pants. I still managed to get some color on my face while I was swimming (I didn´t want to swim, but did it anyway... thanks to some urging from Alex [Emily´s fiance] and Oscar [a friend... more about him later].
Everywhere we go, people try to sell stuff to us... when we got to the tollbooth on the highway, hawkers were everywhere... oranges, water, limes, beach toys... on and on. At the beach was no exception... clothing, jewelry, baskets, wooden folding seats, doodads, ice cream, cooked goods, coconuts, hair braiding (Kate got her whole head braided for five dollars). They are all so friendly and kind, not pushy or rude. Of course, there was some haggling to be done, and in the end, we probably did not get the best price, but still a good price for us.
Saturday, we went into the city for breakfast with Emily, Alex, Luis and Gretchen. I´ll have to find out the name of the food we had, but it was like a corn mush, formed around some sort of cheese, wrapped in corn husks. I know it sounds muy delicioso when I describe it that way, but it actually is quite sweet and good. Filling, too.
After that, we rode through the city to get to a tourist destination (the name of which I will have to get later) which was five hundred steps (each one numbered) winding through rows of houses (and businesses) to the top of a small mountain (a hill by Maine standards) (and maybe by Ecuadorian standards, I´m not sure). At the top was an old fort (or maybe a replica), and at a lookout where you could see the whole city of Guayaquil. Very touristy, but really quite nice... a great way to see the city.
On our way home from there, we bought KFC (at the drive-through, no less), and ate our dinner poolside at Casa. The heat has not been oppressive, but it definitely is hot and humid, and by the time we get to bed, we are so tired we fall right to sleep. I have been sleeping very well, with the exception of last night, when I neglected to take any Tylenol before bed.... the ride in the car took a toll on my back, and now I´m a little stiff this morning.
OK, in keeping with the almost complete lack of organization in this post, on to the story of our arrival....
Upon arrival in Guayaquil, we discovered our luggage was all buy missing. One bag alone made the entire journey with us... and that one, my own clothing bag. Mind you, we had packed extra bags for Emily and Gretchen, in addition to Lilly and Katey´s bag, and Mimi´s bag... for a total of seven bags we had checked in, only one made it through. There is only one flight from MIA to GYE on this airline, and that comes in around 8:30 each night, so we could only wait until that flight came in to go back to the airport and see if they had arrived. Ultimately, they were the last bags off the flight (they had probably been the first ones loaded in MIA), so I for the second night in a row, I was the last person in line to go through customs, only this time I had two carts full of six large bags, and no one to help me push it all through. The Customs agent ended up helping me load them onto the belt, unload them back onto the cart, and push them to the exit. See what I mean about the nice people here?
We really all wanted a hot shower once we got to our room, but there was no hot water in the shower... and none in the sink either. This is a problem we didn´t really voice our opinion about until we returned from the beach yesterday. Hay no agua caliente... I think is what I learned last night. Furthermore, no es posible to fix it... until manana... which is today. I really need a hot shower... the coolish ones are not doing it for me. We will see how this progresses.
On Friday, we followed Emily around Guayaquil, walking through a park called Malecon. It was nice enough, but extremely hot that day... we were still tired from the flight, and overwhelmed by the total immersion into a culture we did not understand at all. I think we couldn´t fully appreciate the place. It got to be a bit of a crazy, exhausted day for us. We probably should have stayed at Casa and taken naps and lounged in the pool all day before venturing out. We know now!
As for today, we will probably go to the church where Emily works, and have lunch there with them. We have yet to meet any of the children she works with. Neither have we met Pastor Dario (sp?) with whom she is starting up this foundation. I have a bag FULL of candy to deliver, and hope to do some of that today, as well. Oh, and toothbrushes, of course. =)
I am going to try to get some photos onto the computer so you can see some of what it´s like here. When using a public computer, one realizes how quickly time flies... it feels rude to be on here an hour, even... say nothing of the three or so hours I spend online at home when I´m checking email and FB and trying to blog all at the same time.
More to follow, though not as in-depth, I think (though hopefully more organized... this writing is close to embarrassing).
Here it Monday, and I am getting my first chance to give an official update from Guayaquil, Ecuador. We have finished our breakfast here at Casa Alianza, and we are trying to put our photos onto the computer (well, I am, anyway.. Mimi and Lilly are trying to unfreeze Lilly´s new iTouch... Mimi is having some difficulty accepting directions from the girls, who are having equal difficulty watching her do it her own way) (tee hee). I´ll keep out of it, and just sit over here journaling and getting in my required thirty minutes of journaling time for today.
Since I didn´t start the journal at the beginning, I will just start from here and work my way back, and then I will try to keep up with it henceforth.
Yesterday we traveled by car (six people in a sub-compact car, seatbelts optional), about 120 km to the beach at Salinas. It was a good time, though the ride was long and cramped (though we had fewer people than they would have normally taken for such a trip, I believe). The coast was cooler than here, and the sun didn´t show its face at all. The locals were very cold, and most of them wished they had brought long pants. I still managed to get some color on my face while I was swimming (I didn´t want to swim, but did it anyway... thanks to some urging from Alex [Emily´s fiance] and Oscar [a friend... more about him later].
Everywhere we go, people try to sell stuff to us... when we got to the tollbooth on the highway, hawkers were everywhere... oranges, water, limes, beach toys... on and on. At the beach was no exception... clothing, jewelry, baskets, wooden folding seats, doodads, ice cream, cooked goods, coconuts, hair braiding (Kate got her whole head braided for five dollars). They are all so friendly and kind, not pushy or rude. Of course, there was some haggling to be done, and in the end, we probably did not get the best price, but still a good price for us.
Saturday, we went into the city for breakfast with Emily, Alex, Luis and Gretchen. I´ll have to find out the name of the food we had, but it was like a corn mush, formed around some sort of cheese, wrapped in corn husks. I know it sounds muy delicioso when I describe it that way, but it actually is quite sweet and good. Filling, too.
After that, we rode through the city to get to a tourist destination (the name of which I will have to get later) which was five hundred steps (each one numbered) winding through rows of houses (and businesses) to the top of a small mountain (a hill by Maine standards) (and maybe by Ecuadorian standards, I´m not sure). At the top was an old fort (or maybe a replica), and at a lookout where you could see the whole city of Guayaquil. Very touristy, but really quite nice... a great way to see the city.
On our way home from there, we bought KFC (at the drive-through, no less), and ate our dinner poolside at Casa. The heat has not been oppressive, but it definitely is hot and humid, and by the time we get to bed, we are so tired we fall right to sleep. I have been sleeping very well, with the exception of last night, when I neglected to take any Tylenol before bed.... the ride in the car took a toll on my back, and now I´m a little stiff this morning.
OK, in keeping with the almost complete lack of organization in this post, on to the story of our arrival....
Upon arrival in Guayaquil, we discovered our luggage was all buy missing. One bag alone made the entire journey with us... and that one, my own clothing bag. Mind you, we had packed extra bags for Emily and Gretchen, in addition to Lilly and Katey´s bag, and Mimi´s bag... for a total of seven bags we had checked in, only one made it through. There is only one flight from MIA to GYE on this airline, and that comes in around 8:30 each night, so we could only wait until that flight came in to go back to the airport and see if they had arrived. Ultimately, they were the last bags off the flight (they had probably been the first ones loaded in MIA), so I for the second night in a row, I was the last person in line to go through customs, only this time I had two carts full of six large bags, and no one to help me push it all through. The Customs agent ended up helping me load them onto the belt, unload them back onto the cart, and push them to the exit. See what I mean about the nice people here?
We really all wanted a hot shower once we got to our room, but there was no hot water in the shower... and none in the sink either. This is a problem we didn´t really voice our opinion about until we returned from the beach yesterday. Hay no agua caliente... I think is what I learned last night. Furthermore, no es posible to fix it... until manana... which is today. I really need a hot shower... the coolish ones are not doing it for me. We will see how this progresses.
On Friday, we followed Emily around Guayaquil, walking through a park called Malecon. It was nice enough, but extremely hot that day... we were still tired from the flight, and overwhelmed by the total immersion into a culture we did not understand at all. I think we couldn´t fully appreciate the place. It got to be a bit of a crazy, exhausted day for us. We probably should have stayed at Casa and taken naps and lounged in the pool all day before venturing out. We know now!
As for today, we will probably go to the church where Emily works, and have lunch there with them. We have yet to meet any of the children she works with. Neither have we met Pastor Dario (sp?) with whom she is starting up this foundation. I have a bag FULL of candy to deliver, and hope to do some of that today, as well. Oh, and toothbrushes, of course. =)
I am going to try to get some photos onto the computer so you can see some of what it´s like here. When using a public computer, one realizes how quickly time flies... it feels rude to be on here an hour, even... say nothing of the three or so hours I spend online at home when I´m checking email and FB and trying to blog all at the same time.
More to follow, though not as in-depth, I think (though hopefully more organized... this writing is close to embarrassing).
Monday, August 10, 2009
July - August Update... The Sun is Shining!
Just a quick update to let you know what I've been up to over the past month.
I emptied out the office completely, closet and all, and began sorting and filing. I have begun the process of returning items to their rightful place in the office, and am left with a smallish pile in the corner of the living room. Wahoo! But, I am not about to go through it this week, because...
Now that the Abbott Family Reunion is out of the way (it was a success), and the BHS 20th Class Reunion is done (another success), I am visiting with my friend Erika until Tuesday. On Tuesday I have a meeting with other 4-H leaders. On Wednesday we celebrate Molly's 7th birthday with a friends party in the afternoon, and a family party in the evening. On Thursday, Lilly, Kate, Mum and I head off for Ecuador for Emily's wedding.
I am all of a sudden quite occupied with activity (sounds better than just saying how busy I am), making progress in the organization department, nonetheless, and am not in the least discouraged. I have been spending much less time on the computer, and more time with my kids. I got an obscene sunburn floating around on the pool, fast asleep (sweet respite, albeit high price). I plan to harvest my first tomato today. Sometime soon I will be packing one suitcase for the girls and me, and four suitcases (of clothing, necessities and treats) for the "street kids" in Ecuador.
It has been a good summer, despite the rain, and I am not that mother who can't wait for school to start (although I think at least two of the kids will be happy to be back into that routine).
I emptied out the office completely, closet and all, and began sorting and filing. I have begun the process of returning items to their rightful place in the office, and am left with a smallish pile in the corner of the living room. Wahoo! But, I am not about to go through it this week, because...
Now that the Abbott Family Reunion is out of the way (it was a success), and the BHS 20th Class Reunion is done (another success), I am visiting with my friend Erika until Tuesday. On Tuesday I have a meeting with other 4-H leaders. On Wednesday we celebrate Molly's 7th birthday with a friends party in the afternoon, and a family party in the evening. On Thursday, Lilly, Kate, Mum and I head off for Ecuador for Emily's wedding.
I am all of a sudden quite occupied with activity (sounds better than just saying how busy I am), making progress in the organization department, nonetheless, and am not in the least discouraged. I have been spending much less time on the computer, and more time with my kids. I got an obscene sunburn floating around on the pool, fast asleep (sweet respite, albeit high price). I plan to harvest my first tomato today. Sometime soon I will be packing one suitcase for the girls and me, and four suitcases (of clothing, necessities and treats) for the "street kids" in Ecuador.
It has been a good summer, despite the rain, and I am not that mother who can't wait for school to start (although I think at least two of the kids will be happy to be back into that routine).
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
God is in this.
The following letter came about when a friend from church emailed me to 'check in,' making sure to tell me she wasn't expecting a response. I intended to send off a quick response, but as I typed I realized it was much more than I expected. I decided to send it to several close friends, and as a result of their feedback, sent along to other friends and saved it my archives to post on the blog I hoped to start eventually.
I've also attached a photo of pregnant me with some comforting and inspirational words. Thank you for your participation in my healing process, which continues to this day.
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 [two months after losing the baby]
What a long, strange trip this has been. But God is good, and here is how I know. From the moment Scott and I heard from the doctor that there as no heartbeat, we agreed that this was going to be part of our living testimony... used for God in ways we could only imagine. We have already been blessed to see God working through us in people we know and love, in ways we hadn't thought possible.
One example involves my dad. After we found out there was no fetal heartbeat, we went right to the hospital to be induced, and our families joined us for the long wait until delivery. It turned out to be a great thing, as we got to spend time with each family member, and I'll cherish the intimate moments we shared. When I had a chance to sit with my father, we discussed our shared belief that this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world, and he talked about how she had been 'recalled.' Later, he actually said something to the effect that there was something 'bigger than us... God, or whatever... that wanted this baby with Him.' I almost laughed out loud (for a couple reasons) because that's the first time I'd ever heard him voluntarily speak of God... but also because he was so sure he didn't want to really commit to the theory of God, so he was quick to add the 'or whatever' part. Anyway, I was encouraged, and continue to be.
Our prayer from the beginning of all this was that we could be true and honest testimonies, not just giving fake and forced smiles and saying 'praise God!' all the time, since our unsaved and skeptical family members and friends would see right through that. Well, be careful what you ask for, because, boy howdy!, does God answer prayer! He has shown me firsthand how difficult and complicated the process of grieving is... even though we fully believe Phoebe is in a much better place, and we know we will get through this only with God's strength, still He takes me through the process step by step, and the pain and confusion I endure is fully obvious to those close to me. My constant prayer is that I will remember to lean on Him, and to let others know that's the only way I'm getting through this successfully.
All in all, we are doing quite well, considering the circumstance. It has been a learning, growing time for us, and as always, growth comes with plenty of growing pain. But this, too, will be used for the glory of God, and He clearly uses the necessary means to draw us closer to Him.
We are open and honest about our loss, even when dealing with the kids. They each have their own understanding of the situation, and have dealt with the loss their own way. Of course, kids move on much quicker, in general, but from time to time we still talk about what happened, and what that means to us (I imagine this will continue for the rest of our lives). What I love about kids is how honest they are about it, and how they have no filter... there's no awkward moment of trying to figure out how to ask a question or make a comment without wondering if it's going to hurt my feelings or if it's the right thing to say.
Throughout all of this, we have been amazingly aware of the prayer support from our family in Christ. I was recently talking with my mother-in-law about how people just don't know what to do or say around me, and how frequently people will say, "I wish I could do something, but all I can do is pray for you." She and I laugh about that because essentially people are saying "I want to fix this situation for you, but since I can't do that all I can do is speak directly to the Creator of the universe who lovingly made you and knows your every thought and provides for your every need... all I can do is go to Him on your behalf and ask for His inevitible, supernatural, divine intervention... sorry, that's all I can do.' Hello People!... how much better does it get than that?!? I have been keenly aware of the days and times when God's people are crying out to God, my Savior, to provide me the necessary strength, courage, grace, humility and will to get through this.
I have discovered about myself that sometimes strength means letting down my guard and having a good cry. The 'experts' on grieving tell me I will go through a phase of anger, but I haven't seen it yet. I'm not sure who or what I'm supposed to be mad at or about. Disappointed, yes, and a whole array of other emotions, but a distinct lack of anger. It's not that I doubt the experts, because I realize the process of grieving involves certain phases, but I have to wonder if this is the grace I prayed for many months ago before I ever knew what the prayer meant. Is it the faith in Christ that sustains me, and keeps any anger from presenting itself? Whatever it is, I rest easy in the understanding that God knows, and God is good.
Thank you for your prayers and for letting me know I am still in your thoughts. God is hearing and answering... He is so good.
I love you,
Michelle
P.S. You may want to share this letter with others, and I encourage you to do so... I can't (and won't) contact everyone who might be glad to have some news from us.
One of these days, I'll have to attempt to type up that whole bizarre dream... nobody would believe I had actually had the dream before the actual experience, except that I shared it with several people before we found out about our loss.
I've also attached a photo of pregnant me with some comforting and inspirational words. Thank you for your participation in my healing process, which continues to this day.
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 [two months after losing the baby]
What a long, strange trip this has been. But God is good, and here is how I know. From the moment Scott and I heard from the doctor that there as no heartbeat, we agreed that this was going to be part of our living testimony... used for God in ways we could only imagine. We have already been blessed to see God working through us in people we know and love, in ways we hadn't thought possible.
One example involves my dad. After we found out there was no fetal heartbeat, we went right to the hospital to be induced, and our families joined us for the long wait until delivery. It turned out to be a great thing, as we got to spend time with each family member, and I'll cherish the intimate moments we shared. When I had a chance to sit with my father, we discussed our shared belief that this baby just wasn't meant to be in this world, and he talked about how she had been 'recalled.' Later, he actually said something to the effect that there was something 'bigger than us... God, or whatever... that wanted this baby with Him.' I almost laughed out loud (for a couple reasons) because that's the first time I'd ever heard him voluntarily speak of God... but also because he was so sure he didn't want to really commit to the theory of God, so he was quick to add the 'or whatever' part. Anyway, I was encouraged, and continue to be.
Our prayer from the beginning of all this was that we could be true and honest testimonies, not just giving fake and forced smiles and saying 'praise God!' all the time, since our unsaved and skeptical family members and friends would see right through that. Well, be careful what you ask for, because, boy howdy!, does God answer prayer! He has shown me firsthand how difficult and complicated the process of grieving is... even though we fully believe Phoebe is in a much better place, and we know we will get through this only with God's strength, still He takes me through the process step by step, and the pain and confusion I endure is fully obvious to those close to me. My constant prayer is that I will remember to lean on Him, and to let others know that's the only way I'm getting through this successfully.
All in all, we are doing quite well, considering the circumstance. It has been a learning, growing time for us, and as always, growth comes with plenty of growing pain. But this, too, will be used for the glory of God, and He clearly uses the necessary means to draw us closer to Him.
We are open and honest about our loss, even when dealing with the kids. They each have their own understanding of the situation, and have dealt with the loss their own way. Of course, kids move on much quicker, in general, but from time to time we still talk about what happened, and what that means to us (I imagine this will continue for the rest of our lives). What I love about kids is how honest they are about it, and how they have no filter... there's no awkward moment of trying to figure out how to ask a question or make a comment without wondering if it's going to hurt my feelings or if it's the right thing to say.
Throughout all of this, we have been amazingly aware of the prayer support from our family in Christ. I was recently talking with my mother-in-law about how people just don't know what to do or say around me, and how frequently people will say, "I wish I could do something, but all I can do is pray for you." She and I laugh about that because essentially people are saying "I want to fix this situation for you, but since I can't do that all I can do is speak directly to the Creator of the universe who lovingly made you and knows your every thought and provides for your every need... all I can do is go to Him on your behalf and ask for His inevitible, supernatural, divine intervention... sorry, that's all I can do.' Hello People!... how much better does it get than that?!? I have been keenly aware of the days and times when God's people are crying out to God, my Savior, to provide me the necessary strength, courage, grace, humility and will to get through this.
I have discovered about myself that sometimes strength means letting down my guard and having a good cry. The 'experts' on grieving tell me I will go through a phase of anger, but I haven't seen it yet. I'm not sure who or what I'm supposed to be mad at or about. Disappointed, yes, and a whole array of other emotions, but a distinct lack of anger. It's not that I doubt the experts, because I realize the process of grieving involves certain phases, but I have to wonder if this is the grace I prayed for many months ago before I ever knew what the prayer meant. Is it the faith in Christ that sustains me, and keeps any anger from presenting itself? Whatever it is, I rest easy in the understanding that God knows, and God is good.
Thank you for your prayers and for letting me know I am still in your thoughts. God is hearing and answering... He is so good.
I love you,
Michelle
P.S. You may want to share this letter with others, and I encourage you to do so... I can't (and won't) contact everyone who might be glad to have some news from us.
One of these days, I'll have to attempt to type up that whole bizarre dream... nobody would believe I had actually had the dream before the actual experience, except that I shared it with several people before we found out about our loss.
Very long & outdated update
I've saved this letter in my archives since January, 2008. My friend, Erika, living in Arizona, had not heard the news of my life for at least that entire year (more, actually), so this sums up 2007. As it does such a good job of telling the story and describing important events, I will reprint it here, mostly in its entirety. The subject reads "Better sit down".
OK,
If it's OK with you, I'll catch you up via email. I wouldn't say it's the BEST way to get it done, except that it is an absolute, and that's a very good way... better than not getting anything done, which has been my way for the past year or so.
And what a year it has been.
As you know, we bought property, and eventually re-vamped the building into a coffee shop. We finally hung the "Open" flag last January(ish) [2007], and were figuring things out as we went along. Scott worked in Auburn at the time, and opened the shop before leaving for work. I'd meet him at the shop with the kids (they could catch the school bus there), and spend my day there. We did hire my cousin, Seth (a 19 year old college student who lives at home) to work days for us, as it wasn't really working out with the two little girls following me all around the place, wanting every treat they saw in the case. I managed to cut back my time there considerably, and it ended up that Seth was the only one in the business making money (and that was just barely a profit for him).
Scott decided to go back to Irving in Portsmouth (decision made in February, I believe, for a May move), and we found out we were pregnant in February, as well. It was a little bit of a shocker for us, as it had been over a year that we had been trying (unusual for us), so we started thinking maybe five would be our limit. Well, with the pregnancy illness and Scott's move, we looked at our list of priorities, and the shop came out way at the bottom. There was no way we could dedicate any serious time to get it running right, so we simply closed shop to reevaluate. I was sick for a loooooooong time, and it was no surprise that I got big early.
In July, I helped my sister plan and organize her wedding (we hosted the rehearsal dinner and reception at our house), which took place August 4th. It was a miserable time for me, being so huge and hot, and on my feet all the time to get her ready. I was frustrated she wasn't inviting (my) kids to the wedding, though she DID want Sophie in the ceremony, but it was her wedding, and the bride should get what she wants. I ended up having to hire a babysitter to stay home with Sam and Molly(who also ended up setting up the tent for the reception), then I had to drive to Popham with my parents and Sonja and Sophie (we were all in the wedding), while Lilly and Kate rode the rented bus to watch the ceremony (OK, I got my way a little bit). It was a fiasco, to say the least. Anyway, at the end of the day, she was married, and I was exhausted.
[Kids update here... edited to fit the time constraints.]Scott has enjoyed working at Irving again, though the commute is a killer, as usual. He actually has a one-year contract with them, and is trying to figure out what to do next. We keep tossing around the idea of moving closer to Irving if that's where he truly wants to stay. It's such a bad job market locally... we may have to move one way or another, either to keep the salary or keep close to work. Time will tell, and as usual, we're not really nervous about any of it.
Sometime over the summer, Sean and Adrienne found out they were pregnant, just as she was switching jobs so she would qualify for fertility treatments. I think she found out the same week she found out her mother had cancer in her ovaries and uterus. Both are still going strong... we credit the pregnancy for giving her mother something to live for. She is due the end of this month, and is enjoying a sense of relief and hope (I think you know they lost a baby in the first trimester around the time I was pregnant with Molly).
Around the end of September, I finally started feeling less miserable with the pregnancy. The weight gain slowed down considerably, and the constant nauseau practically went away. I got a lot of energy, and started nesting big time. After four weeks of feeling really good (more like a usual pregnancy for me), I started getting tired again, knowing full well I'd go at least one week over the due date. People were so surprised to see the due date come and go (of course, Scott and I were pretty much planning on a late date... the only kid to be born early was Lilly). The baby was due October 1, so on Tuesday, October 2 I had a routine check and everything was fine... though even the doc's office was surprised that I would carry baby number six past the date.
By that Saturday, I had decided it was going to have to be soon, as I was getting exhausted again. Saturday night we went out, saw some friends, had a good time. Sunday we skipped church, mowed the lawn, ran kids around to various friends' houses. That next Tuesday I had two appointments scheduled... an ultrasound to check the size and movements of the baby, then a follow-up with the doc's office. In another letter completely, I will tell you the dream I had early Tuesday morning, but to sum it up, I dreamt I was at the doc's office, and they wouldn't show me the heartbeat.
My sister drove me to my first appointment, and I told her the bizarre dream on the way there. She got very upset. We arrived at the place, and tried to comfort each other and be realistic. Got through the appointment, but the tech told me the docs wanted to see me right away. We rushed over, figuring if it was a true emergency, they'd have sent an ambulance for me... I kept thinking I was going to be rushed in for an emergency c-section. Long, long story short, a doctor new to the practice had to come into the room, introduce himself and tell me he had some bad news. Some very bad news. I thought he was joking. He wasn't... they had not been able to detect a heartbeat.
He did a confirming ultrasound there in his office. We called Scott and my parents who all rushed to the hospital. There was nothing to do but deliver the baby. I got the epidural, and they induced labor. It took about twelve hours before she was born. I must admit this was the most surreal experience of my life. Even as I type, I have to stop and think about the events as though it were some strange and sad movie. I certainly didn't want my first correspondence with you in years to be about this, but it is what it is.
We are working through the grieving process, all at our own pace. I'll send you a letter I sent out to friends of mine... Most people don't know what happened, exactly, and many people are unsure of how to ask about it... or whether even to ask. Simply put, there were blood clots in the umbilical cord, keeping nutrients from the baby. When I consider the whole pregnancy, I realize this baby was not meant to be in this world, no matter what I thought or planned. God has a plan we don't fully understand, but He carries us though this, and we are learning so much in the process. It has been painful and sad and disappointing, but we continue to be amazed at the support network available to us, and we are so grateful for it.
So, you can understand I saved the most difficult news for last, and now I'm a bit worn out. I do have more to say about it, and I don't feel fully caught up, but that's a fairly accurate update of my life over the past year. Overall, we are doing well, and our family grows stronger with each new day. Once I hear back from you, I'll send the other letter I mentioned. It has a pretty good photo attached, which I know you'll fully appreciate.
[Personal closing comments omitted.]
Love,
Mi
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